Fantasy Camp
(July 2008)
My son Lewis has been begging …
begging to go to Space Camp.
“You get to experience
weightlessness,” he says as he
clicks through the slick-looking
Space Camp Web site. “I’ve
always wanted to be weightless.”
This from a kid who weighs 85
pounds. |
The Simple Life This Summer
(June 2008)
We just got another whopping
electric bill. Turns out, even
with Daylight Savings Time,
we're not saving enough. Maybe
it's because long after the
darkness of December, my family
continues to celebrate the
Festival of Lights. I'm not
talking about eight tiny
candles. I'm talking about a
24-hour, 365-days-a-year,
megawatt extravaganza. My kids
never turn off anything. Walk
into the den and Paula Deen is
whipping up pralines for nobody. |
Collecting Dust
(May 2008)
My husband has never forgiven
his mother for cleaning out his
room when he went to college and
giving away his baseball cards.
He's convinced that if he only
had his 1973 Wayne Twitchell,
we'd be rich. Never mind that
baseball cards have to be in
mint condition to fetch any kind
of money and mint condition is
defined by the folks at the
Topps baseball card company
as... |
Throwing In The Towel
(April 2008)
This morning, as I stepped out
of the shower and went to grab a
towel out of the bathroom
closet, I discovered that,
except for the few fancy
washcloths that I save for
special occasions (like if Queen
Elizabeth ever needs to wash up
at our house), the cupboard was
bare. And so was I … wet, too.
So I opened the door to the
hallway, just a crack, and
yelled for someone to bring me a
towel. |
The Grass Is Always Greener
(March
2008)
Like many urban hipsters, when
we had our first baby, my
husband and I decided that our
child needed certain things that
city life simply couldn’t
provide – things like a school
system that would foster his
obvious giftedness and a yard
where he could safely frolic and
sample fistfuls of dirt. So we
moved out of our one-bedroom
apartment and into a
four-bedroom Victorian with a
tiny yard, in a town that we
hoped would combine easy access
to the city with all the
advantages of suburban life.
|
Brace Yourself
(February
2008)
Before we got married, my
husband and I got a blood test
to check for genetic glitches -
like Tay Sachs and the Rh
factor. We were screened for
various STDs and for AIDS. The
church encouraged marriage
preparation classes to ensure
that we were spiritually
compatible, but no one ever
suggested that prior to saying
"I do" we consult with an
orthodontist. I wish they had.
Because it turns out, despite
being well-matched in most
areas, combining Harris' narrow
jaw with my horsey teeth has had
serious consequences not only
for our children's class photos,
but for our financial security
as well |
If You Give a Mouse a Cheez-It
(January 2008)
I raced downstairs and found my
daughter, Perry, standing on the
kitchen table. "MOUSE!" she
gasped, pointing to a corner.
Sure, my housekeeping standards
are what some call "relaxed,"
and it's true that our obese cat
rarely ventures from the couch,
but I blame the recent rodent
invasion on my kids. |
Wii Wish You a Merry Christmas
(December
2007)
Every year, my youngest son
makes a Christmas list. It's an
exercise in greed and it's a
chance for him to cling to the
possibility that there just
might be a Santa. |
If We Lived on a Farm
(November
2007)
If I could do it all again, I
would make my kids do more
chores. My son Lewis is at the
kitchen table eating Froot Loops
and reading the back of the milk
carton. It's organic milk, the
carton explains, produced by
cows whose blissful days on the
farm are described like a spa
vacation. "Why can't we live on
a farm?" Lewis asks with a
newfound interest in the
agrarian life... |
Right from the Gecko
(October
2007)
Buying presents for preteens is
tough. For my son's 12th
birthday, he said he wanted a
dirt bike, a cell phone, an Xbox
360 or a gecko. |
10,000 Steps in My Shoes
(September
2007)
I got a pedometer for Mother's
Day and hadn't taken it out of
the box. I had planned to walk
all summer. Instead I told
myself that I was getting plenty
of exercise hanging around the
shallow end of the town pool
yakking with the other moms and
eating fudgesicles while the
kids went off the high dive.
Maybe the water just made me
feel lighter. Anyhow - it was
too hot to walk. |
